No this is not fan-fic based on a 00s comedy horror film (for anyone who isn’t a Millennial and doesn’t get the reference, click here). 

This is the story of a rom com gone wrong. The truth is I have always been a fan of rom coms and since the divorce I have certainly had a fair few night re-enacting the scene in Bridget Jones where she eats ice cream and sings ‘All by Myself’ (although I listen to Adele).

Like every rom com this starts with the ultimate meet-cute. I had just gone to dinner with my friend to rant about my ex and we both agreed it was time for me to get that ‘confidence boost’ all newly single people need. I was full of post pep-talk confidence as stepped on the train platform to go home when I spotted a guy who was my type – Clark Kent vibes. 

I tried not to think anything of it, but I was very pleased when I got on the train and he sat opposite me. At first I wasn’t sure if I was imagining that he chose to sit there on purpose as that would just be too good to be true. So I tried to catch his eye. He smiled back. Nerves got the better of me and I spent the next fifteen minutes trying to catch his eye then looking away. Finally I decided I had to go for it. I wracked my brain thinking of what to say to him until I noticed the buttons on his jacket, so I spat out “Why don’t your buttons match?” (sexy, I know). 

We kept chatting for a bit but even though I hadn’t had a drop to drink the whole thing was a blur because I was so nervous. The only thing I remember was him saying “put your number in my phone,” and the feeling of butterflies in my stomach finally coming out of hibernation after many years. 

He then texted me not five minutes after I got off the train. And when he texted me the next morning admitting he had indeed sat opposite me on purpose, those butterflies started doing a full choreographed dance (I am not sure if it was the Macarena or Thriller, but it was a party). This was it, rom com achievement unlocked – meet cute with an attentive attractive man. 

Then the guilt set in – I was still married! To be clear, not guilt for my ex, I only remember he exists when I bump into him in the kitchen and even then I have to remind myself of his name. I was terrified I was leading this nice guy on. Rom com achievement two – a complex emotional barrier. 

So after some chats with friends, I bit the bullet and told him my situation ready for the rejection. But no, he simply said “That’s ok! I have a partner”.

The butterflies organised a mass suicide. 

It turns out, he thought I was also cheating because he had noticed a picture of me  kissing my ex on my phone screen that I hadn’t thought to change. So whilst I thought this was Notting Hill, he thought it was Dangerous Liaisons.

Well that was the end of that. It’s one thing to tear your own life apart but you can’t do it to another woman. I’m not sure what the lesson is here other than that public transport is not a viable alternative to dating apps – maybe I should try hanging around the Boris Bikes?