Dating platforms have changed a lot since I was last single over a decade ago, when tinder was new and a great source of free meals. Now there is an platform for every kind of community and dating style, meaning before you can even start looking for the right person, you have to find the right app.

When I first started downloading all the usual suspects, what struck me was the amount they were now charging. Whilst this is in some ways understandable, I can’t help that feel that when you’ve already have to pay +£100 pounds getting your body ‘competition ready’ an additional £15-20 a week on top of date and travel costs really did add insult to injury.

My impatience and insecurity led me to burn through several apps in a matter of months, with no success on any of them. Whilst a seasoned singleton might shake their head at this and say I should simply stick one out, there’s been something pleasantly eye-opening about discovering the variety out there (although at times my eyes wish they hadn’t had to see what they did!).

So if you are looking for a new app,  I’ve done the heavy lifting for you:

Ashley Madison 
I naïvely chose this app  first. In my mind it made perfect sense, it’s for married people, and I am still legally married. Besides, other married people would be empathetic to my struggles as an eminent divorcée. What could go wrong? 

In 24 hours I saw more naked old men than that time I accidentally walked into a sauna in Prague. Nevermind sending dickpics, they were putting them on their profiles like some sort of fish they caught on holiday. 

In short, steer clear unless you’re looking to lower your faith in humanity. 

Tinder 

An old friend from my 20s, only now more expensive. Once again, I lasted a matter days as my DMs got filled with offers from strangers to see their little stranger. Unfortunately, at this point I was still very much in ‘married woman mode’ and took it upon myself to explain each one why this was inappropriate. In hindsight, some of them probably enjoyed this more than I realised at the time.

Needless to say, I lasted less than 72 hours. 

Bumble 

This app reminded me of school, there seemed to be three core cliques. First is the obvious cool kids: sunkissed, posting photos at festivals and various fitness challenges. Next we have the nerds: seemingly friendly and genuine but don’t really float your boat. And last the creeps forcibly trying to sext me, which is what my profile seemed to mainly attract (more to come on that, no pun intended). 

I lasted a couple of weeks on there before giving up. After all, the point of this was to get a confidence boost and I just felt like I was back at school. But if you have thick skin and the patience to filter through the creeps you might find someone that ticks around 40% of your boxes. 

Hinge 

I have had this app for a few weeks and currently have zero matches. And that is all I care to say about it. 

Feeld 

Recommended to me by a drag queen at a queer metal gig, this app is the only one that hasn’t made me want to give up altogether. Whilst it has a reputation for attracting those with ‘different’ tastes (no kink shaming here), this gave me the added edge of coming across normal and therefore desirable. 

In the first two hours of making my profile, my phone nearly exploded with obliging men ready to take me for a coffee and present me with a pitch about why they were ‘the one for the job’  (in exchange of course for other jobs from me). No offers of dickpics, no pressure for sexy photos, it was as though because sex wasn’t taboo, everyone was comfortable acting like adults. Or so I thought… 

I genuinely had some great chats with nice enough men, however, the more I spoke to them the true reason why my profile was so in demand: I was the one cod in a sea of catfish. Basically, since I wasn’t AI generated, this made me a unicorn in their eyes. My USP was the fact that I could breathe.

And whilst I appreciated their honesty about how tricky  it is navigating potential scams, it made me incredibly paranoid that if I actually met up with anyone on there, they would be fake or a serial killer.

So this one is really a roll the dice- you’ll get some nice chats but something about it feels off.