The one benefit of long-term monogamy is that you can keep up with your body count: it’s one. 

To be honest, when I starting looking for someone new I didn’t think much of this. If anything, I was incredibly embarrassed that I was still legally married and living with my ex. That’s a pretty big red flag. 

Turns out I was wrong. When you tell men that you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over a decade they the lyrics of Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ pop into their heads. Which is rather disappointing because if there was any Madonna song I would like my dating life to emulate its ‘Material Girl’ – I want some new jewelry. 

I’ve had some odd responses to my situation. Some are to be expected like “Are you looking for a real man?” or “Did he not satisfy you?”. But some are truly *unique* from “Do you still sleep in the same bed as him? I don’t mind if you do,” to “Can I have sex with you on the spot on the sofa where he sits?”. 

Now I know kink-shaming is frowned upon, but if a man is mentally having a threesome with my ex then I think it’s fair to have legitimate concerns about much they are focused on the task at hand. Especially when they can simply go and find his bumble profile themselves instead of going through me. 

I am sure there is a sophisticated feminist interpretation of this that men still fantasies about the virgin/whore dichotomy. But instead I am just going to say boys are gross.